Premeditated Life?
I was tossing and turning just a minute ago, and yea [not yeah], I should be trying to sleep right now, but I had this idea and I just had to blog about it immediately (Katie, you know what I mean). Actually this idea occurred to me last night while I was reading a somewhat gruesome story in the book Velvet Elvis. The idea is that I spend more of my life imagining living than I do actually living.
Here’s a clipping from what I was reading.
A young woman in our church gave birth last week to a two-pound baby who died the day after being born. My friend Matt went into the hospital to visit them. When he entered the room, he ralized the baby was still there. And the couple was sitting in shock, stunned that this had hapened and happened to them. Matt walked in, greeted the couple, and then took the baby in his arms and kissed it.
Velvet Elvis, page 75
Yeah, it’s a little repulsive to think about. Perhaps that’s what stirred me to thinking. I don’t know. At any rate, here’s what I wrote in my journal just then.
I was thinking just there how I would have no idea what I would do if I walked in on a couple whose 1/2 day old baby just died…
My mind works in systems; I spend my days building systems so my mind can handle living life and I don’t have to. These rare moments where I haven’t prefabbed a system are the moments when I’m truly living…Yes, I should think about what I say before I say it. Should I, though, premeditate every conversation?
Hoss’s Lyrics Moleskine #1
As I become more aware of when I am premeditating life I can do something about it–but should I?
Quite often it’s about tough conversations for me: I’ll writhe with whatever it is, whether it’s calling a friend out on something or asking a girl out (as if that happens often–perhaps the idea behind this blog entry is exactly why), for a while–usually when I want to sleep, then when I actually do have the convo, one of a few things happen:
- it goes just how I planned, and I have already lived it, so I am emotionless
- it does not go how I planned and I am embarrassed
I think that no matter what, with these situations that should require a little more of me to be present than usual, I’ve already lived it, so I’m detached throughout the whole thing. Surely 5 minutes later my brain will turn back on and I’ll think of all of the stuff I should have said. Surely.
It seems that this premeditation puts some undue stress on the whole situation. Inside I’m worried that if it doesn’t happen like I planned it, then I’m in trouble because I’m not actually there–just my mind, all programmed up with the plan. My consciousness is sitting behind the mirrored glass, watching the whole thing go down. When it inevitably goes awry, I’ve got to run down there and try to fix things up.
Inevitably.
I don’t know how I convinced myself that I could plan my conversations out before even having them, but surely this has slowed me down. Maybe I exaggerate a little–when you talk to me, it’s usually me that you’re talking to, not my pre-programmed message. But I think all of the conversations that really matter that I had time to prepare for have been sadly wasted on my imagination. I never really lived them beyond the theater in my head. I’ve missed out on a lot!
The best I can do is take those thoughts captive as I recognize them. I’m tired of living my life in my imagination. I want to spend more time in reality, with people–who hopefully desire the same thing.
BTW, a home office is AWESOME! It’s great to be able to just go down the hall in the middle of the night and start blogging–it sure beats dragging out the MacBook Pro, setting it on the bed and typing in the most unconfortable position ever. There’s no good way to type on the bed! A desk–prime typing space.
right on. you, sir, are a cornicopia of self-discovery and enlightened insight. thank you for your contribution to the blogosphere <— i hate that word, for the record.
Douche bag.
I don’t like THAT word…. for the record.
Ha…that was an inside joke. Scott was trying to convince me to install the Douche Bag plugin for WordPress (which I can’t, since WordPress hosts my blog): http://www.younggogetter.com/2007/08/28/douche-bag-our-first-official-wordpress-plugin/
No deutsche mark plugin? Denied! Anyways, yeah. It’s weird hearing about your most recent totally amazing excellent discovery (Waynes World) through a blog and not on my porch. I still like the porch better.
I can definitely relate, boy howdy. In my experience, though, there are those important conversations that you need to have and that you need to be somewhat prepared for. In the past I’ve done the exact same thing and formulate these massive premeditated conversations that I’d hope to have (they never end up the way I plan). These days I instead try to recognize the main objectives that I want to bring up in these inevitable conversations and I make sure I know in my head where I stand on said objectives. When things start to move way beyond that (i.e. anticipating possible rebuttals and coming up with clever responses) I hit the kill switch and either get back on track or on with my life.
Good read.
I have been trying to stop myself from doing the same thing. It seems to be like an addiction, or way of escaping reality. It started from anxiety in social situations but now I don’t even actually believe that I am helping myself prepare for real conversations. When I’m driving, I try to make myself listen to the news, but inevitably I give in and let myself make speeches instead. It probably will take effort to break the habit, but I’m not really sure how to go about it yet. My first thought is to force myself to stop constructing sentences and really try to think about the subject matter and the ideas when I am alone and to focus on listening to the other person, when having real conversations.
@random person,
Thanks for your comment. It’s always good to know that we’re not alone in our troubledness.
I agree with you that it probably isn’t helping. I think it may start from believing the fallacy that planning a little bit for what to say in “Situation X” will improve how “Situation X” turns out. Then when we consider “Situation X” in our heads it turns out great and feels awesome. Then we either don’t get into “Situation X” or “Situation X” plays out much differently in reality and we’re even worse off.
Basically, this type of premeditation only further separates our inner self from our outer self–we aren’t able to “be ourselves” on the outside. The seductive lie that premeditation tells us, “it’ll go better if I think about it first”, actually shields us from learning. The “good” experience we dream up offsets the probably unpleasant experience in reality and we don’t learn from our mistakes nearly as well as if we’d just live them.
Living through mistakes makes us hurt–which is why we try to avoid them. For most things, we can go to school to learn. But there’s one thing you can’t take a class for in college: social aptitude. The rest of the college experience can take care of that. But there’s one key piece to the puzzle: you can’t get your value from the approval of others. You have to be willing to walk in and make mistakes. People are going to say things–you can either take those things to mean you’re not worth as much, or you can use those things to improve your character.
I’ve been talking to a lot of people about this topic and have pages of stuff to write, but I won’t. It’d be pretty hard to follow, anyway–the ideas all tangle together in my head. Suffice it to say this: I’ve employed a gesture to help me get away from this. Your mileage will vary, but whenever I catch myself premeditating, I make a gesture that looks as though I grab the thought near my head, as if it were a hand fruit and then I rip it away and throw it to the ground. It may seem eccentric, but it’s worked well for me. Most of the time through that deep distraction, the thought fizzles to noise in my brain.
And I will say that I’ve really made some good progress. My confidence is way up, and I’m much more extraverted. I think that having an average of 4 shots of espresso per day for the last week may have played a part in that. Caffeine is some powerful stuff.
Good luck to you, neighbor. Living life is an adventure. As with most adventures, they’re best enjoyed OUTSIDE.
Take care.