I agree with you that it probably isn’t helping. I think it may start from believing the fallacy that planning a little bit for what to say in “Situation X” will improve how “Situation X” turns out. Then when we consider “Situation X” in our heads it turns out great and feels awesome. Then we either don’t get into “Situation X” or “Situation X” plays out much differently in reality and we’re even worse off.

Basically, this type of premeditation only further separates our inner self from our outer self–we aren’t able to “be ourselves” on the outside. The seductive lie that premeditation tells us, “it’ll go better if I think about it first”, actually shields us from learning. The “good” experience we dream up offsets the probably unpleasant experience in reality and we don’t learn from our mistakes nearly as well as if we’d just live them.

Living through mistakes makes us hurt–which is why we try to avoid them. For most things, we can go to school to learn. But there’s one thing you can’t take a class for in college: social aptitude. The rest of the college experience can take care of that. But there’s one key piece to the puzzle: you can’t get your value from the approval of others. You have to be willing to walk in and make mistakes. People are going to say things–you can either take those things to mean you’re not worth as much, or you can use those things to improve your character.

I’ve been talking to a lot of people about this topic and have pages of stuff to write, but I won’t. It’d be pretty hard to follow, anyway–the ideas all tangle together in my head. Suffice it to say this: I’ve employed a gesture to help me get away from this. Your mileage will vary, but whenever I catch myself premeditating, I make a gesture that looks as though I grab the thought near my head, as if it were a hand fruit and then I rip it away and throw it to the ground. It may seem eccentric, but it’s worked well for me. Most of the time through that deep distraction, the thought fizzles to noise in my brain.

And I will say that I’ve really made some good progress. My confidence is way up, and I’m much more extraverted. I think that having an average of 4 shots of espresso per day for the last week may have played a part in that. Caffeine is some powerful stuff.

Good luck to you, neighbor. Living life is an adventure. As with most adventures, they’re best enjoyed OUTSIDE. Take care.

Good read.